Christian Dating and the Myth of Scarcity

Does it feel like you and twenty other women in your church are vying for the same three guys? 

We hear from women all the time who have reached a point of hopelessness in their dating experience. Most say the numbers just aren't in their favor. They claim the women in their circle outnumber men, two to one. And if you factor in how many of those men are actually available, committed to Christ and well (as our podcast guest today mentions), not a mass murderer, the numbers become even more bleak.

However, we're not so sure the reported experience is accurate.

We agree it often feels like available Christian men are scarce, but reports don't line up with the data. 

According to the U.S. Census, the ratio of men and women between ages 15-64 is about one to one. Some other sources say there are slightly fewer guys available, closer to 97 men for every 100 women. But that's a far cry from the less than 50% ratio our circle of Christian women reported. So what gives?

On today's episode we chat with Louise Nankiinga, a socially responsibly investor based here in New York City, to talk about her experience dating. The conversation with Louise brought up an interesting point about our perception of the dating game and how buying into the myth of scarcity may actually be what's keeping us single. Plus, on this episode Chanel shares a pro tip from counseling about something called confirmation bias that might be working against you in relationship. We also shared a bonus you cannot miss (scroll to the bottom to grab it)!

Louise Nankiinga and We Date Modern.jpg

Episode highlights:

  • Why you're not alone in feeling like you can't make a relationship happen
  • Louise shares a word of the year that has shaped her dating experience
  • We unpack what Pastor John Gray means by "the favor factor" and why you might need to start thinking you're God's gift to men...well, sort of
  • We confess how women are often tempted to play small out of fear that others will think they're "too much"
  • We wonder if it's true that men are intimidated by strong women
  • Louise shares why she's obsessed with the word of God and the practical ritual she does to remind her of her identity in Christ
  • Chanel takes you to therapy with a quick psychological take on the myth of scarcity

One of the best parts of this conversation with Louise was what she shared about the law of attraction. In short, she said if we claim to believe in a God of abundance, yet we expect limited options, limited options might be just what we get. Instead of allowing this myth of scarcity to run our dating lives, what if we started to expect God's abundance to flow through our relationships? How might our experience change?

From a therapeutic perspective, we often refer to the law of attraction as confirmation bias. Essentially when a person believes something is true, that individual is more likely to behave in ways that continue to promote that reality. Therefore, if we aren't careful, we might get more of the very thing we don't want simply by expecting the worst. How you describe your dating situation may be more important than your actual experience of dating.

So let's get real. 

When you talk about your dating life, do you speak about it like it's hopeless? Do you say things like, "No one wants me. There are no good men to date. Everyone else is having more fun than me." Because if you do, then you're right. Whatever you say is what you believe, and what you believe influences how you behave. And how you behave may determine what you get.

In order to combat this outcome, we need to be intentional about choosing to believe and expect the reality we know God has promised. We can do this best by leaning on what scripture has already told us is true about our identity in Christ. In doing so our lives are transformed by the renewing of our minds (Romans 12:2).

To help you get started, we've got a must-grab download of 30 Daily Affirmations: Who I Am in Christ. We recommend printing out this list and keeping it handy in your Bible or journal to integrate into your quiet time with God. Or before checking email in the morning or glancing at social media after shutting off your alarm, read one affirmation and meditate on what it may mean for how you approach your day. Invite God to deepen the truth of each statement so you don't just say it, but believe and live in light of it.  

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